a twisted heart

Sometimes things happen in which my heart feels so twisted. I become confused, frustrated, and unnerved by the Lord. To be unnerved=to deprive of courage, strength, determination, or confidence; to be upset. These are the feelings I have mostly when I want to take control of my life, want to do things my way.

It's hard not knowing what God has for me in life. It's hard not to know what the future holds because I would like to know. I think sometimes its even harder to hope that something might happen when you have no idea. Its like taking a risk in your heart. Hoping something might happen (something you think would be good for you, something you desire) when I really have to be able to say "but God I really do honestly want what you have/desire for me."

I can hope some things but I have to know some things as well. I have to know that no matter what I want, God is going to give me what is best. No matter what I want, God's will is better. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than yours ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:9.

So as I continue to figure out God's will for my life, what he may or may not have for me, I will claim Psalm 37:4 "Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desire of your heart." I want to delight myself in Him. I want to delight myself in learning more and more of the truth of the gospel and how my life is not my own (Gal 2:20). Im praying that my twisted and confused heart would become more rooted in the gospel that I would desire only the things the Lord would have for me. I'm praying that God will give me the desire of my heart or the heart of His desire. Im praying that what I want would line up with his will.

I don't have to feel unnerved because my strength, my confidence, my determination, and my courage come from the gospel. These things cannot be based on my circumstances, they must be based and rooted in the truth of the gospel. The gospel is truth and it is good. "Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."

ode to the po-po

I hate policemen...and for all the wrong reasons:
1. They pull me over.
2. They scare me a little bit.
3. They are most of the time really mean to me all the time.
4. I always feel like Im doing something wrong when I see them.

Ok, totally stupid reasons because I guess there are reasons for all of the above:
1. Im speeding or not wearing my seatbelt.
2. They are supposed to be intimidating.
3. I was speeding/breaking the law.
4. I am doing something wrong...aka speeding, etc.

Haha..There is repetition that I should learn from. With all that said..I havent had great experiences with the po-po. I think I have gotten 4 tickets and a warning (ridiculous, I know). I have cried hard at some..and some I've handled like a champ but the result is always the same...a ticket.

But yesterday I had an experience with a policeman that I have never had before. Yesterday my wallet and purse were stolen...dont ask me how bc its a ridiculous story. I had 3 credit cards...my credit card, my debit card, and the SCHOOLS credit card..HUGE ISSUE. So I had to file a police report in order to fix this. I called the police and they sent a cop to my house!!!! I answered the door and he just came in and we sat at my kitchen table! He was the nicest guy ever! We talked and laughed..(because when telling him what I had in my wallet, I said..."a Staples Rewards card"...and he was like...I dont need to know that). It was a good experience. So this is my ode to you, Mr. Police officer. Thank you for allowing me to see that yall are funny and nice and real people who are cool! I know you have a job to do and you do it well!

So yes, it stinks that all of that was stolen, but that morning God placed this in my path:
The truth is, what we call interruptions are precisely our real life, the life God is sending us day by day-CS Lewis
While I may see "stolen wallet", God sees "a way to cause me to trust Him more." This is real life, day by day. God has his hand on all of it!

vertigo

On July 16, 1999, Kennedy along with his wife Carolyn and sister-in-law Lauren were reported missing when the plane he was piloting lost contact with airport control. Their bodies were discovered and returned to land on July 21, 1999. The National Transportation Safety Board determined that the plane had crashed into the Atlantic Ocean off Martha's Vineyard and the probable cause was pilot error: "Kennedy's failure to maintain control of the airplane during a descent over water at night, which was a result of spatial disorientation." This spacial disorientation is also known as vertigo. Vertigo is a sensation of dizziness or abnormal motion resulting from a disorder of the sense of balance. It mainly plays out for pilots in this way: Pilots when they are in high altitude or surrounded in a cloud or mist lose their sense of balance. They can't tell which way is up and which way is down. Pilots often think that the instruments in the plane are incorrect and they take matters into their own hands. This led to the death of JFK Jr. along with other pilots. They do not trust the instruments in the plane that were created to inform them of the planes balance and they trust their own instincts instead.

I believe that as Christians we often catch our own version of vertigo. When we get scared or feel threatened we ignore the things that were created to comfort us and lead the way..like Scripture or the counsel of others and we decide to trust ourselves, because we believe our plan is better. I have been learning alot about trust lately. Today, in church the preacher walked us through all of this and also said..trust in God and his plan for us is the engine that drives us to obey. I can see in so many ways how that is true. If I trust in my own plan I am more likely to walk away from obedience in Christ because I believe that my plan is best for me instead of God's plan for my life. Although all of God's instruments are telling me one thing I get a sense of vertigo and choose my own route. Sometimes I am too busy writing my own story instead of letting God write His story for me. I have been super challenged by these words in a Christian rap song by Lecrae:

So I don't want to take the lead Cuz I'm prone to make mistakes.

All these folks that follow me gon' end up in the wrong place.

So, just let me shadow you. And just let me trace your lines.

Matter fact just take my pen. Here, you create my rhymes.

Cuz if I do this by myself I'm scared that I'll succeed.

And no longer trust in You, cuz I only trust in me.

And see, that's how you end up headed to destruction.

Paving a road to nowhere. Pour your life out for nothing.

So how does this play out in my life? Am I trusting myself or am I trusting God? Here is where I can see some places that I am trusting myself in:

Prayer: I am not a good at prayer. But by not praying I am saying that I don't need God. Wow. How could I say that? Im not trusting that God has complete control of my life. Im not trusting his plan. Im not being obedient.

My Job: I do so much work without praying. I trust in myself to do my job..So I am praying that God would provide 22 girls for my team next year. I am praying for a goalie. I am praying for the gospel to spread among the team I have now. And that God would give me the strength to recruit well and try to do my job in a way that glorifies Him.

My Lack of Sabbath: I work all the time. I feel the need to ALWAYS be doing something. I need to take a day to just rest in God. Refuel myself so that what I do during the week is coming from the spring of life that will never run out.

Singleness: I am constantly trying to write my own story. I am letting my mind dwell on earthly things, wondering if I will ever meet a guy that might be my husband. Why write my own story in my head, when I need to let God write the story that will be better than anything I could ever dream or imagine? Whether that means I get married, or whether that means I stay single and head to the mission field...God's story is and will be best. I am praying that I will dwell on the eternal, things above and not on earthly things.

Trust in God and His plan for us is the engine that drives us to obedience. God, I believe, help my unbelief. Help me to trust in you alone and not my own works. You know what is best for all of us and we can see that in the gospel: that you sent your son to die for us so that in our sin we may be seen as the righteousness of God. Your ultimate plan for us, which is better than anything else.

overflow

I think everything said is very true. And this speaks to me pretty clearly because I have to watch myself closely to make sure when I am studying the Bible and memorizing Scripture that I am not just gaining knowledge for knowledge sake. Francis Chan is correct in saying that we have to "do" also. If we feel as if we are JUST "flapping our wings in our heart", then is it really true to our heart?

Matthew 12:34 says "For out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks."

As the Lord opens our heart to himself, as He plants Himself in our heart, making our faith an inward thing...He is, at the same moment, making our faith outward as well. If Jesus truly is the absolute treasure of our heart, we would be living just as that. As Jesus becomes the treasure of our heart, we start to walk like Him more and more..because we start to love the things God loves and hate the things God hates. This is the overflow. Jesus should be such a treasure and a joy, that we would burst trying to hold in our hearts how great He is. Instead, we would walk like Him, tell others about Him, etc. We have to pray for the Lord to become our treasure, to change our sinful heart, to change us daily in order to become more like Him.

Looking at your life, does your life say that Jesus is your true treasure and joy? Or do you just say..."I'm flapping my wings..in my heart"?

montana

Alot has happened since I have last blogged. I have really spent a period of wrestling with the Lord, learning to trust in him in all things and finding joy in who he is and the Lord is so GRACIOUS. A verse I have been praying for myself-- "Restore unto me the joy of your salvation" Psalm 51:12 and the Lord has totally been doing that!!

Within the past two days, these things have occurred. I got to talk to one of my recruits (by the way we are up to 7 girls!!!) that is definitely coming to Shorter. We got to have a gospel conversation in which she was able to say: Yeah I really want to know more about God and it is really helpful that I know that I can talk to you about these things. AWESOME!! PTL (Praise the Lord!!) This conversation excited me about sharing the gospel and telling her of the good news of Christ!

Yesterday I left for Montana. This trip has been hard for me. I do not feel known, none of the girls understand what has been going on in my life for the past few weeks but it is so comforting to know that we are known by the Lord and that he gives us everything we need always (phil 4:19). On the plane, I sat by a women who wasn't supposed to sit by me at all, we talked about the Lord and who he is and I got to lay out the whole gospel before her. She said she had never heard aything like it. She thought we had to earn God's love and work for it. NOT TRUE!! Thats the good news! I have no idea whether she asked Christ into her heart, but she asked GREAT questions and has a better understanding of what the gospel is. Her name was Sarah!

God really is restoring to me the joy of salvation: in myself and in others. You can be praying that my trip here goes well: that Shorter University students grasp the gospel and start to live it out on the campus of Shorter and on their athletic teams. Help me to be open with the girls who are my age, and continue to be bold with the gospel. I'm studying 2 Timothy:

"Yet I am not ashamed, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him for that day."-2 Timothy 1:12

I want to know the God I love and serve. I want to know whom I have believed. I want to guard the gospel that the Lord has entrusted and fan into flame the gifts God has given me in order to do so.

a small purple book

God has been teaching me so much lately and it has been so encouraging! Today I was really tired because we are on a lax trip and had ridden in a bus all night. I had the option of taking a nap or getting in the word and everything in me was wanting to take a nap. I'm in a room with Kirsti and Sweeney. So all of the sudden Kirsti goes and sits in the desk in the hotel room.

I asked her what she was doing and she just help up a small purple book. I had no idea what that meant so I was like...what? And she said..Its the Bible! I was SOOOO encouraged and it was so easy for me to grab my Bible and start studying also!

The coolest part about this is that it helps me trust the Lord SO much with the lacrosse team! Kirsti just became a Christian this year and it has been so cool to see her and Laura (another teammates) desire change in so many ways, and now they are studying the Bible on lax trips!!!

I know the Lord doesn't need me to grow these girls, and sometimes I still make things about me. I need to trust phil 1:6--"being confident of this that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." I want to be CONFIDENT that God will continue to carry out the good work in these girl's lives. God's glory is so much greater than us! And NOT dependent upon me! This is a huge relief!