Sometimes things happen in which my heart feels so twisted. I become confused, frustrated, and unnerved by the Lord. To be unnerved=to deprive of courage, strength, determination, or confidence; to be upset. These are the feelings I have mostly when I want to take control of my life, want to do things my way.
It's hard not knowing what God has for me in life. It's hard not to know what the future holds because I would like to know. I think sometimes its even harder to hope that something might happen when you have no idea. Its like taking a risk in your heart. Hoping something might happen (something you think would be good for you, something you desire) when I really have to be able to say "but God I really do honestly want what you have/desire for me."
I can hope some things but I have to know some things as well. I have to know that no matter what I want, God is going to give me what is best. No matter what I want, God's will is better. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than yours ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:9.
So as I continue to figure out God's will for my life, what he may or may not have for me, I will claim Psalm 37:4 "Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desire of your heart." I want to delight myself in Him. I want to delight myself in learning more and more of the truth of the gospel and how my life is not my own (Gal 2:20). Im praying that my twisted and confused heart would become more rooted in the gospel that I would desire only the things the Lord would have for me. I'm praying that God will give me the desire of my heart or the heart of His desire. Im praying that what I want would line up with his will.
I don't have to feel unnerved because my strength, my confidence, my determination, and my courage come from the gospel. These things cannot be based on my circumstances, they must be based and rooted in the truth of the gospel. The gospel is truth and it is good. "Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Thursday, March 31, 2011
its not about me.
I learn more and more that I make the gospel about me. I am so selfish! I think about..how can I be more humble, how can I be better at seeing my sin, etc. All of which includes "I". Today in my journal this is a conclusion I came to: Instead of asking how can I be more humble (focus on me), yearn to see the greatness and grandness of God (focus on Him) in which it wll cause me to fall to myknees in humility. Check motives: not because I want to be more humble but because I long to know more of the God who created me, died for me and loves me. I pray that God would change my heart to yearn to see Him more. Through seeing the cross and the greatness and grandness of God I will see more of my sin because He was sinless, I will fall to my knees in humility because I am unworthy of a God who did so much. It's not about me. It's all about Him.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
dont lose yourself
I forget this everyday. I lose myself. Now that might sound really silly but with a job in the real world outside of college I am seeing how easy it is to lose yourself. So how do I lose myself?
Well, I eat, breath, sleep, and live lacrosse. My job is NOT a 9-5 job. Sometimes I have practice at 6am, sometimes I have practice at 9pm, sometimes I get calls from my players at 12:30am needing help....I do not have a 9-5 job. It is so relational and I love that, I love people which can be a good thing and a bad thing. I really do thrive off of building relationships with others, diving into who they are and what drives them but this also causes me to be a people pleaser in which I sometimes seek the approval of others rather than the Lord.
One of my best friends Bekah Gilliam warned me, I remember her saying..."Take the time to do the things you love, the things you enjoy, the things that make you you. Do these things outside your work environment, if you dont you will lose yourself." These were her exact words..I remember them clearly and they are so wise!
I was convicted because someone recently asked me: what are the things you like to do besides lacrosse? And it made me stop. I couldnt think of anything, because all I see right now is lacrosse. So Im thinking now...the things I love to do:
-painting, Im not great but I love having a canvas and painting things that I see
-taking really long walks while praying or listening to music
-swinging
-reading fictional books
-laughing
-playing pickup basketball
-being outside
-singing
-playing with kids
I'm sure there are more, but these are just some. The point of this post is to tell everyone who might be close to graduation and moving on to new things: Don't lose yourself. The Lord has created all of us differently to enjoy different things and to meet with him in different ways. Don't let the busyness of your life distract you from being you.
From a recent blogpost by one of my best friends, Lindsay Owens:
Why have I not written in so long?Because my old way of life is creeping back in. And its not okay..... But because I am forgetting what its like to rest in the Lord. I'm numbing my heart to my need for rest. My identity is so easily wrapped up in accomplishing, in having a full schedule..... There is a difference in giving way to busyness, and giving your life away out of an overflow of Christ's love.... I get lost in doing this job, in connecting with people and talking about God and listening to the hearts of others.
I would say this also sums my life up right now. Don't let your job or the busyness of your life distract you from our main focus which should be Christ. As long as we fix our eyes on Christ he will give you the strength to give your life away(do your job well) out of an overflow of Christ's love. Give yourself time away from your job to do the things that God has created you to do whether it be playing an instrument, hiking, or spending time with friends. All if these things are ways to meet and rest in the Lord...Dont compartmentalize. I worship God well by going to a nearby park and swinging while listening to my "Need God" playlist on my ipod. I feel so close to Him when I am there. Give yourself time away everyday to spend time with God however you need, sometimes its reading through His word, sometimes its taking a walk, sometimes its painting a picture. So don't lose yourself, don't give way to busyness. Be who you are and who God has created you to be!
Well, I eat, breath, sleep, and live lacrosse. My job is NOT a 9-5 job. Sometimes I have practice at 6am, sometimes I have practice at 9pm, sometimes I get calls from my players at 12:30am needing help....I do not have a 9-5 job. It is so relational and I love that, I love people which can be a good thing and a bad thing. I really do thrive off of building relationships with others, diving into who they are and what drives them but this also causes me to be a people pleaser in which I sometimes seek the approval of others rather than the Lord.
One of my best friends Bekah Gilliam warned me, I remember her saying..."Take the time to do the things you love, the things you enjoy, the things that make you you. Do these things outside your work environment, if you dont you will lose yourself." These were her exact words..I remember them clearly and they are so wise!
I was convicted because someone recently asked me: what are the things you like to do besides lacrosse? And it made me stop. I couldnt think of anything, because all I see right now is lacrosse. So Im thinking now...the things I love to do:
-painting, Im not great but I love having a canvas and painting things that I see
-taking really long walks while praying or listening to music
-swinging
-reading fictional books
-laughing
-playing pickup basketball
-being outside
-singing
-playing with kids
I'm sure there are more, but these are just some. The point of this post is to tell everyone who might be close to graduation and moving on to new things: Don't lose yourself. The Lord has created all of us differently to enjoy different things and to meet with him in different ways. Don't let the busyness of your life distract you from being you.
From a recent blogpost by one of my best friends, Lindsay Owens:
Why have I not written in so long?Because my old way of life is creeping back in. And its not okay..... But because I am forgetting what its like to rest in the Lord. I'm numbing my heart to my need for rest. My identity is so easily wrapped up in accomplishing, in having a full schedule..... There is a difference in giving way to busyness, and giving your life away out of an overflow of Christ's love.... I get lost in doing this job, in connecting with people and talking about God and listening to the hearts of others.
I would say this also sums my life up right now. Don't let your job or the busyness of your life distract you from our main focus which should be Christ. As long as we fix our eyes on Christ he will give you the strength to give your life away(do your job well) out of an overflow of Christ's love. Give yourself time away from your job to do the things that God has created you to do whether it be playing an instrument, hiking, or spending time with friends. All if these things are ways to meet and rest in the Lord...Dont compartmentalize. I worship God well by going to a nearby park and swinging while listening to my "Need God" playlist on my ipod. I feel so close to Him when I am there. Give yourself time away everyday to spend time with God however you need, sometimes its reading through His word, sometimes its taking a walk, sometimes its painting a picture. So don't lose yourself, don't give way to busyness. Be who you are and who God has created you to be!
Thursday, March 10, 2011
ode to the po-po
I hate policemen...and for all the wrong reasons:
1. They pull me over.
2. They scare me a little bit.
3. They are most of the time really mean to me all the time.
4. I always feel like Im doing something wrong when I see them.
Ok, totally stupid reasons because I guess there are reasons for all of the above:
1. Im speeding or not wearing my seatbelt.
2. They are supposed to be intimidating.
3. I was speeding/breaking the law.
4. I am doing something wrong...aka speeding, etc.
Haha..There is repetition that I should learn from. With all that said..I havent had great experiences with the po-po. I think I have gotten 4 tickets and a warning (ridiculous, I know). I have cried hard at some..and some I've handled like a champ but the result is always the same...a ticket.
But yesterday I had an experience with a policeman that I have never had before. Yesterday my wallet and purse were stolen...dont ask me how bc its a ridiculous story. I had 3 credit cards...my credit card, my debit card, and the SCHOOLS credit card..HUGE ISSUE. So I had to file a police report in order to fix this. I called the police and they sent a cop to my house!!!! I answered the door and he just came in and we sat at my kitchen table! He was the nicest guy ever! We talked and laughed..(because when telling him what I had in my wallet, I said..."a Staples Rewards card"...and he was like...I dont need to know that). It was a good experience. So this is my ode to you, Mr. Police officer. Thank you for allowing me to see that yall are funny and nice and real people who are cool! I know you have a job to do and you do it well!
So yes, it stinks that all of that was stolen, but that morning God placed this in my path:
The truth is, what we call interruptions are precisely our real life, the life God is sending us day by day-CS Lewis
While I may see "stolen wallet", God sees "a way to cause me to trust Him more." This is real life, day by day. God has his hand on all of it!
1. They pull me over.
2. They scare me a little bit.
3. They are most of the time really mean to me all the time.
4. I always feel like Im doing something wrong when I see them.
Ok, totally stupid reasons because I guess there are reasons for all of the above:
1. Im speeding or not wearing my seatbelt.
2. They are supposed to be intimidating.
3. I was speeding/breaking the law.
4. I am doing something wrong...aka speeding, etc.
Haha..There is repetition that I should learn from. With all that said..I havent had great experiences with the po-po. I think I have gotten 4 tickets and a warning (ridiculous, I know). I have cried hard at some..and some I've handled like a champ but the result is always the same...a ticket.
But yesterday I had an experience with a policeman that I have never had before. Yesterday my wallet and purse were stolen...dont ask me how bc its a ridiculous story. I had 3 credit cards...my credit card, my debit card, and the SCHOOLS credit card..HUGE ISSUE. So I had to file a police report in order to fix this. I called the police and they sent a cop to my house!!!! I answered the door and he just came in and we sat at my kitchen table! He was the nicest guy ever! We talked and laughed..(because when telling him what I had in my wallet, I said..."a Staples Rewards card"...and he was like...I dont need to know that). It was a good experience. So this is my ode to you, Mr. Police officer. Thank you for allowing me to see that yall are funny and nice and real people who are cool! I know you have a job to do and you do it well!
So yes, it stinks that all of that was stolen, but that morning God placed this in my path:
The truth is, what we call interruptions are precisely our real life, the life God is sending us day by day-CS Lewis
While I may see "stolen wallet", God sees "a way to cause me to trust Him more." This is real life, day by day. God has his hand on all of it!
Saturday, March 5, 2011
sacrifices
with all relationships come sacrifices. I have been experiencing a few lately. It's actually my biggest crisis. See I have this friend...best friend actually, her name is Amy Jessee and she is getting married! So fun! But this requires a MAJOR sacrifice for me....wearing HEELS!
With our beautiful bridesmaid dresses she would also like black open toe heels...my first thought: BEAUTIFUL! my second thought: PANIC!
So you may not know me but knoww this...I NEVER wear heels..I wear flipflops and tennis shoes, yup thats about it. And yes I was a sorority girl. With being a sorority girl there is this thing called Pin Attire day. Every Tuesday we were required to wear really cute clothes aka skirts/dresses + you guessed it...heels. So what did I do... I wore heels...kinda: I would take my heels, put them on my feet, walk two feet out the door and then take them off to walk to class and just hold them in my hand. Yes, I was that girl. The one who walked to class with heels in hand. The one who wore flip flops to every sorority formal and semiformal.
But now the day has come, to walk gracefully down the aisle of my best friends wedding, wearing fabulous heels. So how will that be graceful? Well Im thinking practice makes for semiperfection, so I bought my heels yesterday and I plan on trying to wear them whenever I am in my house, to make my breakfast, clean my room, go out to the car, etc and maybe...just maybe Ill get the hang of these things!
Like I said, with relationships/friendships come sacrifice..and this is definitely one I am willing to make!! Haha, I think of it as more of an adventure!
With our beautiful bridesmaid dresses she would also like black open toe heels...my first thought: BEAUTIFUL! my second thought: PANIC!
So you may not know me but knoww this...I NEVER wear heels..I wear flipflops and tennis shoes, yup thats about it. And yes I was a sorority girl. With being a sorority girl there is this thing called Pin Attire day. Every Tuesday we were required to wear really cute clothes aka skirts/dresses + you guessed it...heels. So what did I do... I wore heels...kinda: I would take my heels, put them on my feet, walk two feet out the door and then take them off to walk to class and just hold them in my hand. Yes, I was that girl. The one who walked to class with heels in hand. The one who wore flip flops to every sorority formal and semiformal.
But now the day has come, to walk gracefully down the aisle of my best friends wedding, wearing fabulous heels. So how will that be graceful? Well Im thinking practice makes for semiperfection, so I bought my heels yesterday and I plan on trying to wear them whenever I am in my house, to make my breakfast, clean my room, go out to the car, etc and maybe...just maybe Ill get the hang of these things!
Like I said, with relationships/friendships come sacrifice..and this is definitely one I am willing to make!! Haha, I think of it as more of an adventure!
Saturday, February 26, 2011
road trip.
first road trip with the lax team has made some great memories. We are bonding even more as a team than ever.
Things included:
8 hour bus ride- now this is the best. We have the laughter..the fighting over what movie to watch next...the girls who don't say a word...the girls who are singing at the top of their lungs although they have in their headphone and no one else can hear the music...the girls who are asleep 5 minutes in.
the games- 13 players= 1 sub. No injuries allowed. My motto to the girls (although totally unrealistic): "If you get hurt, or if you get sick...I will make you run." This is the best threat for results...although in the pretenses of injury and illness it for sure is just "all talk."
vs Methodist- We won! 18-13. It was a close one but the girls fought hard.
vs NCWC- we'll see tomorrow! Game time 12:00!
the meals- there really is something about eating together. We enjoy each others company, get to know each other more. It is great for our team. Reminds me of Acts 2:42-47, all the believers eating and fellowshipping with one another.
Bible study- the girls who have been coming to Bible study have been really enjoying it. Tonight we talked about "not being good enough for God", a hard concept for some, but God is really helping the girls change their worldview...shattering the ones that have been formed by the world. I am so thankful. God is so good.
There's just something about a shared experience like a road trip. The girls are learning more about each other and bonding and just having a good time! Im praying that they continue to grow closer and continue to grow closer to the Lord all the while!
Things included:
8 hour bus ride- now this is the best. We have the laughter..the fighting over what movie to watch next...the girls who don't say a word...the girls who are singing at the top of their lungs although they have in their headphone and no one else can hear the music...the girls who are asleep 5 minutes in.
the games- 13 players= 1 sub. No injuries allowed. My motto to the girls (although totally unrealistic): "If you get hurt, or if you get sick...I will make you run." This is the best threat for results...although in the pretenses of injury and illness it for sure is just "all talk."
vs Methodist- We won! 18-13. It was a close one but the girls fought hard.
vs NCWC- we'll see tomorrow! Game time 12:00!
the meals- there really is something about eating together. We enjoy each others company, get to know each other more. It is great for our team. Reminds me of Acts 2:42-47, all the believers eating and fellowshipping with one another.
Bible study- the girls who have been coming to Bible study have been really enjoying it. Tonight we talked about "not being good enough for God", a hard concept for some, but God is really helping the girls change their worldview...shattering the ones that have been formed by the world. I am so thankful. God is so good.
There's just something about a shared experience like a road trip. The girls are learning more about each other and bonding and just having a good time! Im praying that they continue to grow closer and continue to grow closer to the Lord all the while!
Monday, February 14, 2011
valentine's day
Valentine's Day to most:
A day to express love to your loved one. A day to be sad. A day to buy chocolate. A day to go on a date. A day to celebrate your marriage. A day buy flowers. A day to give flowers. A day to cry because you have none of the above. A day to celebrate engagement*. A day to spend time with your boyfriend. A day to talk about cupid. A day to wear cute dress up clothes. A day to see pink and red everywhere. A day when Los Palmas decorates with TONS of red heart shaped balloons. A day of birth. A day to miss a loved one. A day to meet someone new.
Valentine's Day to me:
A day to drive 2 hours from seeing my best friend ever. A day to study Philippians and learn more about the God who loves me more than annyyone!! A day to go on a run with Morgan Hosea. A day to enjoy God's warm weather. A day to coach lacrosse practice with my girls. A day to finish preparing the Bible study with lax girls that will start tomorrow.** A day to have dinner with my wonderful family. A day to watch the Bachelor. A day to get a good nights sleep!
Funny that neither of the two match up at all and I am completely content! So thankful that the Lord doesn't allow me to struggle with singleness today with all the "love" in the air. I am so thankful for my life he has given me and the places he has brought me! Remember- "This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins." (1 John 4:10) This is the greatest love of all, that God loved us so much that he sent his Son to earth to become sin for us so that we may be the righteousness of God....basically so that we can look pure and clean before the Lord...as if we had no sin at all. AMAZING! And that is love.
* Yay for Amy and Caitlin- two of my best friends who just recently got engaged!
**Praying for the eyes, ears and hearts of my lax girls for Bible study tomorrow, that God would allow them to be open for the gospel and change lives! Feel free to join me in that prayer!
A day to express love to your loved one. A day to be sad. A day to buy chocolate. A day to go on a date. A day to celebrate your marriage. A day buy flowers. A day to give flowers. A day to cry because you have none of the above. A day to celebrate engagement*. A day to spend time with your boyfriend. A day to talk about cupid. A day to wear cute dress up clothes. A day to see pink and red everywhere. A day when Los Palmas decorates with TONS of red heart shaped balloons. A day of birth. A day to miss a loved one. A day to meet someone new.
Valentine's Day to me:
A day to drive 2 hours from seeing my best friend ever. A day to study Philippians and learn more about the God who loves me more than annyyone!! A day to go on a run with Morgan Hosea. A day to enjoy God's warm weather. A day to coach lacrosse practice with my girls. A day to finish preparing the Bible study with lax girls that will start tomorrow.** A day to have dinner with my wonderful family. A day to watch the Bachelor. A day to get a good nights sleep!
Funny that neither of the two match up at all and I am completely content! So thankful that the Lord doesn't allow me to struggle with singleness today with all the "love" in the air. I am so thankful for my life he has given me and the places he has brought me! Remember- "This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins." (1 John 4:10) This is the greatest love of all, that God loved us so much that he sent his Son to earth to become sin for us so that we may be the righteousness of God....basically so that we can look pure and clean before the Lord...as if we had no sin at all. AMAZING! And that is love.
* Yay for Amy and Caitlin- two of my best friends who just recently got engaged!
**Praying for the eyes, ears and hearts of my lax girls for Bible study tomorrow, that God would allow them to be open for the gospel and change lives! Feel free to join me in that prayer!
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